Personal Log #2/Action Post - A Week After Amnesia Event

[spohkh]

[Spock is sitting on his bed and he stares at the journal which is currently residing on the desk across from him.

Spock had woken up this morning and knew he was alone in the house....his Captain was gone. And he knew that he had been taken... and Spock could feel that Captain Kirk was in pain...wherever he was.
Spock wondered at the futility of putting out a community-wide announcement to see if anyone had further information on Kirk's whereabouts. Spock was also rather disinclined to leave his house considering the damage he had inflicted during the bout of amnesia... he had not left the house in approximately 3.6 days. What if he had met someone he had 'assaulted'?
Spock puts his head down at that thought...he can recall his father's lectures on privacy and using telepathy on psy-null beings...these offenses were a severe violation and punishable in Vulcan society. If his home-planet still existed he would be outcast! The crimes he committed! It only proved that as a Vulcan, he was.... a poor example.

Spock abruptly gets up and starts to pace through the room. His meditation lately has left much to be desired, though it did resolve a rather significant issue. The link that he had forc...established with Mister Lupin was familial in nature and fairly easy to control. Lupin would not have to be burdened with this as long as Spock was able to keep his shields in place.
But the meditation itself? The effects from the physical contact had left Spock at mental loose ends. The memories and emotional transference...well, it left him emotionally compromised, and the nature of the contact made it rather difficult to resolve.

Spock's pacing slowed as he considered the other encounters he had...he was a disgrace... the things that happened, the beings he took advantage of... and he will never be able to look at the couch the same again.

He put his head in his hands and sat back down on the bed...there had to be a logical resolution to this...perhaps he needed, as they say, a 'change in scenery'. He looks up and glares a little at the journal. His frustration levels begin to rise once more.
.....everything....everything about Spock has been 'unraveling' since landing in Luceti. He has not felt this exposed since he was emotionally compromised on the Enterprise...and he was ashamed then too. Spock abruptly stands once more and stalks towards the desk. In a fit of anger he slams both fists down on either side of the journal... unknowingly turning it on. The wood splinters cut into his hands, but he does not feel it. The frustration has built into a blinding rage and he manages to shout in Vulcan...]

Nam-tor nash-veh sasu t’ek’kayik sut!

[Then he picks up the bed-side bureau and throws it out the window making a fantastic display of shattered glass and the deafening silence that follows the explosion of sound....

Spock stands amid the mess and just breaths...]

Comments

[redjacketthief]

[These words and behaviors were oddly familiar, and called to mind a similarly stoic dark haired man with lofty ideals and problems with meeting them himself. That man would spend weeks or even months on end in relative isolation, meditating away his impurities and perceived sins...and suddenly appear back in civilization one day, with his kasa, his keikogi and his ever present Zantetsuken in tow.

Not even Ishikawa Goemon XIII could stand isolation for too long.

Lupin smiled bitterly when he remembered the absent ronin. Some wounds never would fully heal.]

There's control, and then there is riding the current. In the end, water always beats stone...

but that's too zen for me.

[He sighed, but kept his physical distance.]

Shame and regret are normal complications in life. You can dwell on it and let the job fail, or you can roll with it and find a way to succeed.

[Lupin looked up at Spock, noting the clenched hands and the tension in his posture. The man was strung tighter than piano wire and just as badly tuned. With no professional on hand, there was no one for Lupin to go to for an expert opinion.

He only had one idea, but he wasn't certain how it would go.]

You've spoken about and showed me this...'link' that we found during the Shift. Do you think an outsider could help you find balance?

[Although he was a terrible person to suggest it. Lupin was himself an emotional trainwreck and he knew it. He was too flighty, too frustrated, and too bored.

But Spock reminded him of a person who could no longer see the light, of that ronin who saw ritual suicide, seppuku, as the only means of restoring his honor.

It was a shot with his off hand in the dark after a job where he was so exhausted that he couldn't focus anymore. It was a shot that he needed to take, a risk.

The possible consequences could weigh heavily, but so could the reward.]

[spohkh]

[...outside source? Spock could understand that, in fact he had even considered it himself. Lupin was completely psy-null... However, the Jedi... they seemed to possess powers that could help him in this manner.

But somehow Spock was reluctant to mention that at the moment. Because he has a feeling that it would not be appreciated.

Spock breaths for a moment and uncurls his hands to once more take hold of his sandwich.]

A most intriguing proverb...and one that is quite relevant to this situation.

I was starting the process to find that balance before I came to Luceti. My older counterpart that traveled from the alternate universe is the very example of Vulcan and human harmony, and I aspire to someday to acquire it.
[Small hesitance...]

This... will take time. Time and much effort with or without you. And though 'outside' help may be beneficial at a later date, now is not that time. My mind needs to stabilize to its current situation, and I need to help myself.

[Takes a bite and swallows, silently thinking....]

What you have done so far has done much in helping me with this... I could have suffered a permanent mental break if it was not for you. I am indebted to you.

[redjacketthief]

[Spock's analysis was right. Any mention of the Jedi wouldn't be appreciated, though it wouldn't be in conjunction with their efforts to help Spock. The problem was of a personal nature...and he was reluctant to let either of them in on his personal affairs for a long while. Lupin reached out and patted Spock's arm in understanding of his explanation. It was a supportive gesture, and the only one he could think of giving without pushing Spock's boundaries for the moment.]

You call me sa-kai. That makes you my little brother, and it's only right that I look after you. Besides, this...'bonding'...I don't necessarily want to get rid of it. This is an interesting situation, and I'd like to see where it goes.

...this is partly my fault anyway. Both of us are affected, so we both need to work at it.

[He looked up at Spock with a friendly, boyish smile.]

It looks like you're well on your way to achieving that harmony. If you ever need a hand, I'd be honored to help you reach that goal.

[spohkh]

[Spock looks up at Lupin with a raised eye-brow...almost not believing what he heard.

He then gives Lupin a half-smile.]

It would seem that you are good for me Sa-Kai. I thank thee.

There is no fault then with either of us... Ka'adith, right?

[Spock looks at his sandwich and back up at Lupin...]
It is getting late...and it seems as though we both need some rest correct? [Spock looks hesitant, as though he does not want to leave Lupin's company...sleep...in his state that was going to be rather difficult.]

[redjacketthief]

Ka'adith.

[He returned that half smile, and considered Spock's question with a thoughtful hum.]

mm...sleep sometime soon would be a good thing. [Because he was tired...but willing to keep it together for Spock's sake until he crashed. This was more than a job; this was more personal than he was too uncomfortable to acknowledge or admit to anyone but himself. Sa-kai. The term carried heavy weight for him, and felt almost like the nakama that he learned about from some of his friends in the village.

He would do what he could to help, even if it wasn't much.]

We can head back to the flat if that's what you want. If you're ready. No one here is going to judge you or pressure you into anything. Stay as long as you like. Be comfortable.

[Because comfort was the most important factor when recovering from exhaustion and duress. There was little else that he could offer.]

[spohkh]

I...yes. Let us return to your 'flat'. I find that I am most comfortable with you at the moment. I believe that it may be an effect from the link... I have none other like it, and it is the only point of comfort that I can identify.

The bond that I share with my father is sufficient, but has no significance in the way a familial bond should have. I hope this does not pose as too much responsibility for you.

[Spock moves to stand up and gestures for Lupin to lead the way.]

[redjacketthief]

[It wasn't too much responsibility...it was humbling. Lupin dropped their mess in the sink with a silent vow to come clean up later, lest he be seen as an inconsiderate neighbor, and guided Spock back to his flat.]

That's...fine. [He didn't know how to handle this immediate level of trust.] Whatever works right now...right?

[briskly:]

I don't have anything that will really fit you right now, but we can pick that up sometime tomorrow. That is, unless you don't mind wearing a yukata--

[It was his turn to ramble on about pointless things now as his mind latched onto something familiar, something that he could understand and influence. The very idea of someone being so open and so trusting was a completely foreign concept. He knew no one like that in his world, and was only starting to understand it within the last year.

Luceti was doing things to him, but he didn't mind.]

Shall we continue this in an appointment thread? ^_^

[spohkh]

[Spock looks mildly surprised...]

A yukata would suffice, as my own sleeping garments consist of traditional Vulcan robes which are rather comparable.

My thanks Sa-kai.