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Personal Log #2/Action Post - A Week After Amnesia Event
[Spock is sitting on his bed and he stares at the journal which is currently residing on the desk across from him.
Spock had woken up this morning and knew he was alone in the house....his Captain was gone. And he knew that he had been taken... and Spock could feel that Captain Kirk was in pain...wherever he was.
Spock wondered at the futility of putting out a community-wide announcement to see if anyone had further information on Kirk's whereabouts. Spock was also rather disinclined to leave his house considering the damage he had inflicted during the bout of amnesia... he had not left the house in approximately 3.6 days. What if he had met someone he had 'assaulted'?
Spock puts his head down at that thought...he can recall his father's lectures on privacy and using telepathy on psy-null beings...these offenses were a severe violation and punishable in Vulcan society. If his home-planet still existed he would be outcast! The crimes he committed! It only proved that as a Vulcan, he was.... a poor example.
Spock abruptly gets up and starts to pace through the room. His meditation lately has left much to be desired, though it did resolve a rather significant issue. The link that he had forc...established with Mister Lupin was familial in nature and fairly easy to control. Lupin would not have to be burdened with this as long as Spock was able to keep his shields in place.
But the meditation itself? The effects from the physical contact had left Spock at mental loose ends. The memories and emotional transference...well, it left him emotionally compromised, and the nature of the contact made it rather difficult to resolve.
Spock's pacing slowed as he considered the other encounters he had...he was a disgrace... the things that happened, the beings he took advantage of... and he will never be able to look at the couch the same again.
He put his head in his hands and sat back down on the bed...there had to be a logical resolution to this...perhaps he needed, as they say, a 'change in scenery'. He looks up and glares a little at the journal. His frustration levels begin to rise once more.
.....everything....everything about Spock has been 'unraveling' since landing in Luceti. He has not felt this exposed since he was emotionally compromised on the Enterprise...and he was ashamed then too. Spock abruptly stands once more and stalks towards the desk. In a fit of anger he slams both fists down on either side of the journal... unknowingly turning it on. The wood splinters cut into his hands, but he does not feel it. The frustration has built into a blinding rage and he manages to shout in Vulcan...]
Nam-tor nash-veh sasu t’ek’kayik sut!
[Then he picks up the bed-side bureau and throws it out the window making a fantastic display of shattered glass and the deafening silence that follows the explosion of sound....
Spock stands amid the mess and just breaths...]
Spock had woken up this morning and knew he was alone in the house....his Captain was gone. And he knew that he had been taken... and Spock could feel that Captain Kirk was in pain...wherever he was.
Spock wondered at the futility of putting out a community-wide announcement to see if anyone had further information on Kirk's whereabouts. Spock was also rather disinclined to leave his house considering the damage he had inflicted during the bout of amnesia... he had not left the house in approximately 3.6 days. What if he had met someone he had 'assaulted'?
Spock puts his head down at that thought...he can recall his father's lectures on privacy and using telepathy on psy-null beings...these offenses were a severe violation and punishable in Vulcan society. If his home-planet still existed he would be outcast! The crimes he committed! It only proved that as a Vulcan, he was.... a poor example.
Spock abruptly gets up and starts to pace through the room. His meditation lately has left much to be desired, though it did resolve a rather significant issue. The link that he had forc...established with Mister Lupin was familial in nature and fairly easy to control. Lupin would not have to be burdened with this as long as Spock was able to keep his shields in place.
But the meditation itself? The effects from the physical contact had left Spock at mental loose ends. The memories and emotional transference...well, it left him emotionally compromised, and the nature of the contact made it rather difficult to resolve.
Spock's pacing slowed as he considered the other encounters he had...he was a disgrace... the things that happened, the beings he took advantage of... and he will never be able to look at the couch the same again.
He put his head in his hands and sat back down on the bed...there had to be a logical resolution to this...perhaps he needed, as they say, a 'change in scenery'. He looks up and glares a little at the journal. His frustration levels begin to rise once more.
.....everything....everything about Spock has been 'unraveling' since landing in Luceti. He has not felt this exposed since he was emotionally compromised on the Enterprise...and he was ashamed then too. Spock abruptly stands once more and stalks towards the desk. In a fit of anger he slams both fists down on either side of the journal... unknowingly turning it on. The wood splinters cut into his hands, but he does not feel it. The frustration has built into a blinding rage and he manages to shout in Vulcan...]
Nam-tor nash-veh sasu t’ek’kayik sut!
[Then he picks up the bed-side bureau and throws it out the window making a fantastic display of shattered glass and the deafening silence that follows the explosion of sound....
Spock stands amid the mess and just breaths...]
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He recognized this behavior, and wondered if he should write it off as the oddities of non-human anatomy.]
I don't think we need anymore hot chocolate, Spock. Dinner might be a good idea. You hungry?
[He pulled at Spock's arm, insistent. Lupin was going to make note of this for his contacts in the medical field when the night was over, so that the records kept in the dome could be updated with further details.]
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Negative, I am not in need of any substance...sutinance? Sustenance! [Spock looks really please with himself for finding the right word.]
Though perhaps we can ingulde in the 'comfort-food' which you spoke of? [A small frown creased his eyebrows..] Why no more hot chocolate Sa-Kai?
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[Lupin shook his head at the confirmation of his suspicions. Chocolate would need to be moderated in the future, if this was the case. He pulled at Spock's arm once more, now leading the way to the communal kitchen himself.]
Making your...Plomeek soup might be a little complicated right now, but I can make us some grilled cheese. You can eat cheese, right?
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But I'm not a lightweight...my higher bone density gives me a weight which is heavier than most beings in my height class....
Cheese? I can eat cheese. My mother was rather fond of cheese, and though we did not have it on Vulcan, my father would bring special foods back from earth for her... I was able to sample these on occasion.
[Spock starts to playfully tug at the sleeve of Arsene's jacket....]
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It's not about your weight but your stamina. Have you ever seen what happens to a man when he likes his bourbon too much?
[It was a rhetorical question.]
We're getting you some grilled cheese. That might help you understand.
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You humans are so illogical.... you never seem to mean what you say.
[Spock does not know that it's a rhetorical question...] I am not sure. But I have experienced several human males when they have consumed too much alcohol...one Doctor McCoy for one...my Captain for another... and especially our Chief engineer.... [Spock leans forward conspiratorially and lifts his finger in a 'shushing' motion...] Don't tell anyone, but he has an illegal distillery set up in the engine room... very unprofessional... but I let it go because I don't want the crew to dislike me more than they seem to.
[Spock drapes his arm around Lupin's shoulder...] Sa-Kai... you are most generous, I am most privlaged...prividly.... pri-vil-eged to have met you...
How do you grill cheese?
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Think nothing of it. This is what friends do. Now--sit.
[He pointed at the table and chairs.]
I'll show you how to make the sandwiches, but we need the ingredients first.
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[But then Spock sees the Hot Chocolate can across from him... he must engage Arsene in conversation so as to distract him... Spock starts to shift to one side being as subtle as an explosion...]
What ingredients do you require?
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[Lupin is a more clever man than Spock realized. Even when not on the top of his game, he always had his attention on his surroundings. It was what kept him alive in several crises, and how he made his living.
He pulled the can of cocoa away from sight in a fluid motion and stored it back in the cupboard. Hopefully it's owner wouldn't be too mad about them borrowing some, even though it was left in an unsecure location. An amused grin lighted on his face when he regarded Spock once more--and he couldn't help himself.]
No. No chocolate for you.
He turned away to dig out the ingredients and supplies.]
I've got it. You...sit.
~The pout continues... XD
Sa-Kaaaaii.... Why not?
[Then Spock starts to sprawl across the table humming to himself.]
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[He set the pan on the heat and dropped a pat of butter in to melt before he started assembling the sandwiches.]
You'll have your food soon.
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And before Lupin could realize there was a Vulcan looming behind him...head creeping over his shoulder...]
...That too smells rather pleasing.
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He flipped one of the sandwiches that was starting to sizzle in the butter. The other followed.]
Cheese sandwiches fried in butter. I never did understand why it's called 'grilled cheese.'
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Spock looks down and is silent for awhile...His mind is still in a rather pleasant 'buzzed state'... but there are thoughts, things that are important. And yet, there is still some part of him that is completely aware and that knows what has happened is the result from imbibing chocolate. The part of him that is still bleak and shivering. But he wanted this, to be able to let go for a moment...to be happy.
Spock is curious about something...]
...Arsene...will you tell me about your family?
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Lupin barely moved at the question and continued to poke at the sandwiches before he was satisfied with how the bread was toasted and the cheese was melted. Instead he gathered plates, still with an air of lazy nonchalance.]
Eh? There's not much to say, really. My grandfather was a thief, as was my dad. I barely knew either of them because they were always out, but they set the high standard for thieves of their respective generations. There was a standing challenge to top them, and it never happened.
That, boredom, and the wanderlust that I think plagues my family were what sent me on the same path.
[He plated the sandwiches and joined Spock, still with the strangely lazy demeanor. The times when he discussed his family life were rare to none. Very little tied him to France; his partners were as close to family as he had.]
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[Spock looks at his sandwich and nods his thanks. He takes an experimental bite and is rather pleased with the result.]
Thank you, this sandwich is quite intriguing. [Looks like Spock is almost sober...Vulcan's have a higher metabolism.]
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[Lupin took a bite himself, and was glad to see that he hadn't ruined the dish. Cooking wasn't his strong point, but there were tricks that he had picked up through the years... Like how his grandmother made spaghetti sauce. It was such a simple thing too. No one would think that red wine would change the flavor so much.
He watched Spock, still distantly observing his every action and reaction. The calm was lingering, and his eyes weren't as dangerously bright, but the odd trust threw him off. It wasn't something that Lupin was used to, and he was tempted to elaborate further.]
If it's not too personal, how have your thoughts changed after...everything?
[Because, like his dying, just the very act of speaking about Vulcan's fate was too difficult to manage at that point.]
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My thoughts...
...That perhaps the Vulcan community missed the point of our teachings. Though I..regret to say that. Nevertheless, the stress that the discipline puts on a mind... is too great. And I believe my people is beginning to see that now after the destruction. Rebuilding has been difficult. But they are pure Vulcan... and that is something I lack...but also something that I will never again see as faulty.
[Spock puts down his sandwich and leans back in his chair, looking down at the table....]
And I have also come to realize that relationships with others are....precious. Though it is still difficult for me in many ways....
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Lupin similarly set his sandwich down and rested his chin in his hands, listening intently. He was no counselor, but he at least knew what questions to ask when given prompt.]
Friends could help. How is finding them tricky for you?
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[Spock looks up at Lupin and raises an eyebrow....]
I am not an inherent 'social creature'. And any implication that I have from my peers and the Enterprise personnel suggests that I am not overly approachable.
...Vulcans have no need of unnecessary social interaction. It is illogical.
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[Lupin nodded in response to the unasked question, but spoke regardless.]
You say that you're not social, but you showed me tonight that you are. You're concerned for Kirk because of his abduction and the unknown. You've stayed by my side all night, even when you had opportunity to go elsewhere.
...after what you've seen? There's no shame in wanting to find people to associate with.
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Living was much less complicated in a way, having control over my emotions. Though it seems as that for now, it is no longer the case.
[Loneliness has always been apart of his life, and he always hated it because it was such a human emotion... has he been wrong his entire life...?
Spock's hands tremble a little before has clasps them together to prevent them from doing so.
How can he voice out loud that he needs help? He is at war with himself... the conflict....]
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Not even Ishikawa Goemon XIII could stand isolation for too long.
Lupin smiled bitterly when he remembered the absent ronin. Some wounds never would fully heal.]
There's control, and then there is riding the current. In the end, water always beats stone...
but that's too zen for me.
[He sighed, but kept his physical distance.]
Shame and regret are normal complications in life. You can dwell on it and let the job fail, or you can roll with it and find a way to succeed.
[Lupin looked up at Spock, noting the clenched hands and the tension in his posture. The man was strung tighter than piano wire and just as badly tuned. With no professional on hand, there was no one for Lupin to go to for an expert opinion.
He only had one idea, but he wasn't certain how it would go.]
You've spoken about and showed me this...'link' that we found during the Shift. Do you think an outsider could help you find balance?
[Although he was a terrible person to suggest it. Lupin was himself an emotional trainwreck and he knew it. He was too flighty, too frustrated, and too bored.
But Spock reminded him of a person who could no longer see the light, of that ronin who saw ritual suicide, seppuku, as the only means of restoring his honor.
It was a shot with his off hand in the dark after a job where he was so exhausted that he couldn't focus anymore. It was a shot that he needed to take, a risk.
The possible consequences could weigh heavily, but so could the reward.]
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But somehow Spock was reluctant to mention that at the moment. Because he has a feeling that it would not be appreciated.
Spock breaths for a moment and uncurls his hands to once more take hold of his sandwich.]
A most intriguing proverb...and one that is quite relevant to this situation.
I was starting the process to find that balance before I came to Luceti. My older counterpart that traveled from the alternate universe is the very example of Vulcan and human harmony, and I aspire to someday to acquire it.
[Small hesitance...]
This... will take time. Time and much effort with or without you. And though 'outside' help may be beneficial at a later date, now is not that time. My mind needs to stabilize to its current situation, and I need to help myself.
[Takes a bite and swallows, silently thinking....]
What you have done so far has done much in helping me with this... I could have suffered a permanent mental break if it was not for you. I am indebted to you.
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You call me sa-kai. That makes you my little brother, and it's only right that I look after you. Besides, this...'bonding'...I don't necessarily want to get rid of it. This is an interesting situation, and I'd like to see where it goes.
...this is partly my fault anyway. Both of us are affected, so we both need to work at it.
[He looked up at Spock with a friendly, boyish smile.]
It looks like you're well on your way to achieving that harmony. If you ever need a hand, I'd be honored to help you reach that goal.
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Shall we continue this in an appointment thread? ^_^