spohkh | Personal Log #11 - Dazed and Confused [Voice/Action]

Entry tags:

mallynapped

Personal Log #11 - Dazed and Confused [Voice/Action]

[Spock opened his eyes and held in the groan at the familiar sight of Luceti's forest. It took a moment for the Vulcan to organize his thoughts and realize what had happened...

Ah yes... He had been kidnapped once again.

Spock sat up, wary of the lingering effects from his visit with the Malnosso... and looked around for his Journal. Predictably it was laying innocently by his side... illogically he had hoped that it might have been lost. No matter.
Spock reached for it and stopped... realizing that something was wrong with his hand. It was... frozen. His long fingers stuck together, hand in the shape of a loose fist and refusing to move. The Vulcan's eyes widened in surprise as he checked his other hand, finding the exact same thing. What was he going to do? He could barely pick up the journal let alone use it properly.

The Vulcan fumbled with the journal, finally getting it to flop open on in his lap... ]

Greetings. I have been returned from my... visit... with the Malnosso. I require assistance. Is anyone there?

[Action]: Spock can be found in the woods without the use of his hands. He's going to need a lot of help, and Spock's not going to like it.
You can also catch him walking towards his place with his journal held awkwardly between his fists. Approach him if you dare.]

[OOC: When I originally went on Hiatus, I said that Spock was going to be on autopilot, however, I've needed to be away longer than originally planned. It was advised to me that I have Spock mallynapped to excuse him from not knowing everything that's gone down. Apparently I've missed wings... this upsets me greatly. XD]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hopelessness...

...it is a rather curious feeling.

[The Vulcan looked over at Ami...]

However, I have found that it is tolerable with friends.

[Luceti gives Ami the urge to retreat from the idea of friendship all over again - but she's gone down that road and she hadn't liked it. She tries to accept the hint gracefully.]

I think as long as you're not alone in it, things aren't as bad as they could be.

Indeed. Though I must admit... I have found more 'friends' here in Luceti than I have ever had in my entire life.
A rather curious phenomenon.

[Spock seems to almost smirk....but he sobers quickly.]

[Ami is too keenly aware of people leaving to always clearly see who she has here. But she tries, right now, to say the right thing.]

I think in a way, that would be something nice about Luceti, wouldn't it?

Indeed... However I am continuously reminded why the Vulcan race has opted to control emotion instead of choosing to experience it regularly.
To care for someone inevitably means to experience pain.

[Well, that wasn't the entire reason, but he didn't want to get into Vulcan history at this time. No need for Ami to know that Vulcans have stronger feelings than humans... and that on a basic level those emotions were raw and dangerous.]

[...

It's too much like her own thoughts, and Ami's smile tightens momentarily, almost fleeting enough to be unnoticed.

She knows the right answer, but she also knows there's only one way to say it that she can say truthfully.]

Even so... I want to be with them.

Indeed... and in the end, that is all we can do... be there for each other until we are hurt once more.

[Spock considers his words...]

My apologies, I do not mean to be skeptical or come across as melancholy.

[No, he's not doing anything more than putting many of her own thoughts and views into words. She can't reprimand him for that, and in a way, it's a very real relief to hear someone else feels that way, too, that she isn't alone in that.]

I've been here for a few years, so... [She pauses for the best way to put it.] I've seen that happen a lot of times.

Pain, I have always found, is relative depending on how far you can remove yourself from the situation.
[Spock blinked in consideration...]

As a Vulcan, the fact that I can no longer emotionally remove myself from certain individuals is...

...appalling. Then again, it has been suggested to me that I not measure myself only in Vulcan terms.
Ami... how do you do it?
[Spock wants to know how to deal with the emotions that follow a loss.]

[Oh, Spock. She's the worst one to learn from, with the worst coping mechanisms. She uses denial, and a generous helping of pessimism.

Of course, she wants to say something more helpful than that.]

I don't like it when someone leaves. And even if I tell myself it's better for them, I want them to be with me.

But, the only way for it never to happen at all, is never to meet them. And I wouldn't want that, either.

On Vulcan... every individual was connected with each other, and the planet. These bonds grew the more you were familiar with an individual such as those you share with your mate and family.

To have one of these bonds severed is... rather painful but the bond lives on as a memory. However, the pain is receded through your connection with other family members.

Human connections are more... raw. Yes? To have a connection severed there is nothing else, only what your mind can recall.

I don't think it's severed. [This is very unusually positive for her about this sort of topic, but she has very personal experience with it.] By remembering them, we haven't lost them. It's only if we let ourselves forget, that we start to lose them.

[Usagi. Usagi had been able to live again because they began to remember her again.]

Indeed... to have been forgotten is the ultimate death.

[Spock is unusually morose... and he cannot explain why or what put him in this mood. Then again, he hasn't had the opportunity to meditate in quite some time.

But part of him realizes that if Ami leaves... she will forget him. And that in itself is a death.
Unfair... that's the word he's looking for. But to dwell on what cannot be helped is illogical.]

Most curious... I am being rather illogical today. To borrow a human phrase, perhaps I should 'quit while I am ahead.'

Sometimes logic can't tell us what's most important.

[Again, strange words from Ami of all people. But she's learned this, too, through painful experience. If she had stayed logical, she never would have found those threads of faith and trust at all, and she would have continued to miss out on the most important thing in her life: her friends.]

What's wrong with being illogical for a little while? [But mostly she uses the word because he does.]

To be 'illogical' even for a moment is to deny a part of who I am.

[Spock is constantly at war with himself.... his human half bursting to get out while his logical, cold exterior crumbles.

Spock shakes his head...]

I require meditation... I have become too 'emotional'.

Isn't it the same if you deny how you feel?

[You're both, Spock.]

They are feelings that I should not be having regardless. I had chosen the Vulcan way of life, and now...

[Spock closes his eyes for a moment... as if considering. Opening his eyes, he regards Ami.]

Perhaps you are right... and it is illogical to dwell on what we cannot change. Ka'adith... what is, is.

Sometimes it's not as easy as deciding.

[She has experience with that, too. She can tell herself the rational answers all she wants, constantly in fact, but they never seem to erase the feelings.]

[Spock inclines his head...
...the Vulcan equivalent to nodding.]

Of course.
[Spock's shoulders seem to slump in defeat... well... at least they're close to his house now.]

I admit that I am rather apprehensive to go home....

[She isn't sure whether he means home, or the house where he stays in Luceti. To her, the difference between the two ideas is enormous. Since he seems to be stopping as they get closer, she assumes it may be the latter.]

If you'd like to stay out awhile... [She'd be willing to stay with him.]

[Spock shakes his head...]

To avoid the inevitable is also illogical.
[The Vulcan is quiet for a moment as he regards Ami.]

Once more I find myself in your debt.
[Small smile.]

[Ami shakes her head.]

I didn't do anything special. [Although she'd take a very different tone in reversed circumstances. Someone simply being there is always the most important to her.]

Will it be alright if you go back?

My mother used to say that it is the simple things that mean the most.
[Spock understands what she means by that now...]

I will be completely reliant on my Captain if I return... It is something that I would prefer to avoid, yet it cannot be helped.

I think he'll be happy to do it. [Which doesn't really eliminate guilt, she knows, but maybe it helps a little, to think Kirk won't mind.]

[Spock quirks an eyebrow....]

"Happy" is a rather interesting choice of words...
[The Vulcan breaths in a way that could be a sigh... and looks at Ami once more.]

Ami, once again, you have my thanks. To borrow a Terran phrase... I will now 'face my demons'... and brave my Captain. [Have a small, companionable smirk.]

Personal Log #11 - Dazed and Confused [Voice/Action]

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Thanks m'dear! That was fun! ^_^