Personal Log #2/Action Post - A Week After Amnesia Event

[spohkh]

[Spock is sitting on his bed and he stares at the journal which is currently residing on the desk across from him.

Spock had woken up this morning and knew he was alone in the house....his Captain was gone. And he knew that he had been taken... and Spock could feel that Captain Kirk was in pain...wherever he was.
Spock wondered at the futility of putting out a community-wide announcement to see if anyone had further information on Kirk's whereabouts. Spock was also rather disinclined to leave his house considering the damage he had inflicted during the bout of amnesia... he had not left the house in approximately 3.6 days. What if he had met someone he had 'assaulted'?
Spock puts his head down at that thought...he can recall his father's lectures on privacy and using telepathy on psy-null beings...these offenses were a severe violation and punishable in Vulcan society. If his home-planet still existed he would be outcast! The crimes he committed! It only proved that as a Vulcan, he was.... a poor example.

Spock abruptly gets up and starts to pace through the room. His meditation lately has left much to be desired, though it did resolve a rather significant issue. The link that he had forc...established with Mister Lupin was familial in nature and fairly easy to control. Lupin would not have to be burdened with this as long as Spock was able to keep his shields in place.
But the meditation itself? The effects from the physical contact had left Spock at mental loose ends. The memories and emotional transference...well, it left him emotionally compromised, and the nature of the contact made it rather difficult to resolve.

Spock's pacing slowed as he considered the other encounters he had...he was a disgrace... the things that happened, the beings he took advantage of... and he will never be able to look at the couch the same again.

He put his head in his hands and sat back down on the bed...there had to be a logical resolution to this...perhaps he needed, as they say, a 'change in scenery'. He looks up and glares a little at the journal. His frustration levels begin to rise once more.
.....everything....everything about Spock has been 'unraveling' since landing in Luceti. He has not felt this exposed since he was emotionally compromised on the Enterprise...and he was ashamed then too. Spock abruptly stands once more and stalks towards the desk. In a fit of anger he slams both fists down on either side of the journal... unknowingly turning it on. The wood splinters cut into his hands, but he does not feel it. The frustration has built into a blinding rage and he manages to shout in Vulcan...]

Nam-tor nash-veh sasu t’ek’kayik sut!

[Then he picks up the bed-side bureau and throws it out the window making a fantastic display of shattered glass and the deafening silence that follows the explosion of sound....

Spock stands amid the mess and just breaths...]

Comments

[complicatedliar]

I'm afraid you will need to be more specific than that.

[spohkh]

[Spock breaths for a moment..]

How well a Vulcan mind functions depends on the bonds that were created since birth.
My own bonds... they were recently ripped from my mind. While trying to stabilize my mental state to the new conditions, the Shift interrupted the process...
Without my memories I have violated the minds of several people...some with a more permanent effect than others. And now... [Spock looks at his hands... it would seem that he cannot stop the tremble...]
..now I am... exposed.

[complicatedliar]

I think you should not judge yourself harshly over what occurred during the shift. I certainly did many things that make me wish to bury myself up to the neck in sand, but that changes none of it. We were none of us in our right minds.

[He's still trying to tell himself that, convince himself that none of it mattered at all. It's being very stubborn about leaving his present thoughts, however, and it's frustrating and upsetting.

That feeling of vulnerability, he can empathize with; Loki expends a great deal of energy to avoid such things. There is that, even as he considers how this situation might work to his advantage. It is an automatic reaction on his part.

His own emotional reactions make his responses more genuine.]

That is a... difficult thing indeed, Spock. So you must begin the process anew?

[spohkh]

[Spock shakes his head slightly... even now the physical proximity with Loki is causing his mind to call out for connection. He tries his best to not lean forward...he was a veritable mess.]

N-not exactly. The foundations have been shattered... it is a matter of regaining stability. This would usually necessitate the aid of a Vulcan healer... I am at a loss for what to do.

[complicatedliar]

And that is not a thing forthcoming. Have you tried to speak to any of the healers in this village? As far as I know, they specialize in bodies rather than minds, but perhaps one has more specialized skills.

[He tilts his head.]

If foundations are broken, new ones must be built.

[spohkh]

[Spock looks up at Loki...his eyes overbright....]

I do not know how..I....

[Spock puts his head down again shaking his head... He wanted badly to be alone. He was Vulcan, not this weak being that could not handle the situation...]

[complicatedliar]

Begin from first principles.

[Loki watches Spock calmly.]

[spohkh]

....Will you help me?

[complicatedliar]

[Loki tilts his head.]

That really depends upon what sort of help you require.

[spohkh]

[Spock hesitates....]

Perhaps you would be willing to serve as an emotional 'anchor'? My emotions are rather...chaotic at the moment, and they are preventing me from concentrating in order to do what is necessary...

I realize this is asking much of you and I would understand if you refused....

[Spock was trying to think of alternatives...perhaps the Jedi would help him... ]

[complicatedliar]

I'm afraid I would need more details of the process before I could really say.

If nothing else, I can say with confidence that I am not a species you have previously encountered.

[spohkh]

[Spock tilts his head... he had a feeling that Loki was not completely human...

Lupin had told him that in his universe, 'Spock' was a character on a television series...
The only name association with Loki were stories that he had heard about Norse gods... Is there any connection?]

I see....Would you have any association to Norse mythology?

[complicatedliar]

[Loki smiles.]

As a matter of fact, I am that Loki.

Though I would caution you to not believe the stories in their entirety. The things that have been made up about my sexual habits are quite shocking.

[spohkh]

[Spock gives Loki an answering grin that holds no amusement...]

My knowledge on the subject of your stories of origin is extremely limited...and I would assume that it has been subject to interpretation due to the fictional nature it holds in my universe. Therefore my understanding of you will be drawn, rather, from our personal interactions.

You have shown me nothing but kindness, and it would be unfortunate to burden you any more. I will... seek help elsewhere.

[Spock is frustrated... he does not enjoy this feeling of weakness and fragility...but he needs help...he needs to regain control....

Spock shivers...]

[complicatedliar]

I am not opposed to helping you. Obviously, I am here, am I not? However, I so not go into things blindly. The choice is yours, really, beginning with how much you wish to explain.

[He smiles thinly.]

Or I can leave now if you wish.

[spohkh]

[Spock almost grabs on to Loki's clothes to prevent even the thought of leaving but stills his hand at the last moment.... he was a pathetic Vulcan.]

Please.. do not leave.

I will explain. It would require our minds to have a temporary connection and you would serve as a center of calm in order for me to regain a mental balance.
There may be some emotional transference, and at this point it may be inevitable as I could not prevent it from happening.

[Spock breaths as he waits for Loki's verdict....]

[complicatedliar]

[Loki considers this. He likes it less, the more he hears. He does not let anyone into his mind. He's fought too hard for that control, and has far too many secrets.]

If there might be transfer from my mind to yours, I'm afraid it might be too risky for you. I am concerned by this.

Spock is obviously not usually like this... but he will be bamf once I get him sorted out. XD

[spohkh]

[Spock nods...with difficulty...]

I...understand. And your concern is...logical. I should not have brought it up...there are too many unknown variables, and I could seriously harm you. I am...not safe to be around.

[Spock thinks back to last week when he regained his memories after the shift. He was with Lupin and had most shamefully passed out... He was beginning to feel like that again.]

[Spock starts to stand, a wave of dizziness hits him but he ignores it...]

My apologies... I....

[Spock wavers...]

[complicatedliar]

I wish that I could help you, I truly do. But I should not like to cause more damage in an effort to help. Is there someone I might fetch for you?

[spohkh]

[Spock did not answer right away....

There was a rather curious 'ringing' noise occupying his attention.]

[complicatedliar]

[Loki waits patiently, watching the Vulcan with seemingly mild interest.]

[spohkh]

[Spock leans forward....

He has to brace himself on the counter top in order to keep from falling.

Unsteadily breathing, with his head down, Spock whispers something inaudible....]

[complicatedliar]

[Loki does reach out and rest his hand on Spock's arm, careful to avoid contact between skin.]

[spohkh]

[There may be no skin contact, but it is enough to leave a curious impression.
Spock looks up at Loki and sits down once more...]

It would seem that I am in need of assistance after all.... [Spock finds he greatly dislikes to admit this fact...]

However... there is nothing they can do for me at the Battle Dome... they are not equipped for this particular medical issue.
I...I believe I will contact Mister Skywalker...

I thank thee for your concern...

[complicatedliar]

[Loki nods, head cocked slightly at the oddity of speech.]

Luke and Obi-wan seem the sorts good for this manner of problem.

Would you like me to stay until he has arrived?