spohkh | Personal Log #11 - Dazed and Confused [Voice/Action]

Entry tags:

mallynapped

Personal Log #11 - Dazed and Confused [Voice/Action]

[Spock opened his eyes and held in the groan at the familiar sight of Luceti's forest. It took a moment for the Vulcan to organize his thoughts and realize what had happened...

Ah yes... He had been kidnapped once again.

Spock sat up, wary of the lingering effects from his visit with the Malnosso... and looked around for his Journal. Predictably it was laying innocently by his side... illogically he had hoped that it might have been lost. No matter.
Spock reached for it and stopped... realizing that something was wrong with his hand. It was... frozen. His long fingers stuck together, hand in the shape of a loose fist and refusing to move. The Vulcan's eyes widened in surprise as he checked his other hand, finding the exact same thing. What was he going to do? He could barely pick up the journal let alone use it properly.

The Vulcan fumbled with the journal, finally getting it to flop open on in his lap... ]

Greetings. I have been returned from my... visit... with the Malnosso. I require assistance. Is anyone there?

[Action]: Spock can be found in the woods without the use of his hands. He's going to need a lot of help, and Spock's not going to like it.
You can also catch him walking towards his place with his journal held awkwardly between his fists. Approach him if you dare.]

[OOC: When I originally went on Hiatus, I said that Spock was going to be on autopilot, however, I've needed to be away longer than originally planned. It was advised to me that I have Spock mallynapped to excuse him from not knowing everything that's gone down. Apparently I've missed wings... this upsets me greatly. XD]

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[Somehow it's the right thing to say, although she knows it's selfish to think this way, to think that she should want Spock to want her here. Of course, it's no worse than her frequent thought that she wants the people she knows to stay here, too.]

I wasn't sent home. [She tries for a joke:] The Malnosso seem to like my company here.

[It's been two years, after all, and halfway through a third - after the year she spent before she did go home for a little while.]

Indeed.. they do seem to have a penchant for keeping certain people around. You are very 'likable' Ami. [Vulcan dry humour abounds... squint and you might see it.]

How is Mister Skywalker? [For Ami's sake, the Vulcan hopes that the Jedi is still here.]

[Actually, Ami's keenly aware that very few people seem to have been here as long as she has. She's not quite alone, but it makes her wonder: why her? Or more specifically: why her, leaving her to miss everyone who does leave?

She tends to dwell on those thoughts if she doesn't distract herself.]

Luke is well. [She doesn't offer much more than the polite answers, though there's a certain slight warmth to her voice speaking of Luke - one of the few who has been here a long time, too.] He'll be glad to see you.

[This is one of the things he liked about Ami, they didn't have to talk a lot to understand each other.
They were both contemplative people... Ami proved to be quite a comforting presence.]

It will be good to see him...
[It was was thanks to Luke that Spock had his mental shields back at all... he owed the Jedi quite a bit.]

I find that I am looking forward to another chess match with you...
[Spock would never admit it.. but he was slightly troubled. Any form of normalcy would be quite welcome.]

[Ami arrives around that moment, and the moment she catches sight of Spock, she closes the journal and runs the short distance left between them.

All the chess ever, Spock.]

I'm relieved. But if the Malnosso took you... What happened then?

[Spock looks up as Ami bursts through the trees... a very welcome sight.
Silently, the Vulcan lifts his hands for Ami to see... his fingers seemingly glued together, hands in a fist... wrists locked into a straight position.

Very inconvenient.]

This, apparently... However, I must commend the Malnosso on creativity.

[She checks in visible alarm. Even with surgery- She might not be able to restore the use of his hands, yet. (It's another count on the list of many, many things that make her think the Malnosso really are simply toying with them - the 'terrarium' hypothesis someone mentioned on the journals recently, or something like that.)]

Your friends will help you for the time being. [This is mostly to at least try to be reassuring.] I'll do what I can, too.

[Spock is embarrassed... if the blush on his cheeks is any indication. He merely nods at Ami's comment... grateful for her concern.

However, he does look down pointedly at his journal where he had managed to successfully drop it open on his lap...
He looks beseechingly up at Ami... could you pick it up please? His hands were tied... so to speak.]

[You could ask directly, Spock. Then again, Ami's not good at being direct herself, always. She's learned how, but it's still hard for her to be forceful.

So she picks up the journal.] I'll bring it with us.

[Spock inclines his head...]

Thank you.
[The Vulcan begins to walk towards town.] For research purposes, may I inquire as to the most inconvenient effect the Malnosso inflicted upon you?

Ah, well... [Ami pauses as though searching her mind to decide which one that would be.] I've been here awhile, so, there have been a lot of things they've done.

Indeed... I have found that the Malnosso do have a habit of concentrating on certain individuals more than others...
...which is rather curious behaviour.

[What most people didn't know was that Spock has been taking note of everyone he meets since the very beginning... to see if there is any pattern.

But he's come to a rather depressing conclusion.]

[Probably the same as Ami's conclusions from her own notes: no discernible pattern. She doesn't necessarily believe it is random as a result, but the pattern certainly isn't easy to find. Or break.]

I guess that depends on what they really brought us here for.

[She doesn't believe it's for the experiments - why not everyone evenly? Or for fighting - why so haphazardly?]

What do you think that is?

[Spock seems to get lost in thought for a moment...]

It is as if the Malnosso focus on those who have the most difficulty in... resigning to Luceti, and thus those who have been here the longest.
From a recent conversation with one of their leaders, he seemed to imply that in an effort to get us home, they are attempting to conform us to a certain mold. They seem to think that the only way of doing so is to subject us to certain humiliations... to make us feel.

[Spock hesitates for a moment.]
Before I was kidnapped I told my Captain to stop fighting it... that by doing so, it was prolonging the suffering.
I was wrong.

[Maybe. Ami's made something of a life for herself in Luceti, but she's never been able to fully let go and accept it, or stop wanting to go home. Not even with inducements to stay.

One thing, she says with some confidence, although it isn't precisely hopeful:]

The one you talked to was probably tricking you. But I think it's alright if you were wrong. If you see it differently now, you can try another method, or another way of looking at it.

Hopelessness...

...it is a rather curious feeling.

[The Vulcan looked over at Ami...]

However, I have found that it is tolerable with friends.

[Luceti gives Ami the urge to retreat from the idea of friendship all over again - but she's gone down that road and she hadn't liked it. She tries to accept the hint gracefully.]

I think as long as you're not alone in it, things aren't as bad as they could be.

Indeed. Though I must admit... I have found more 'friends' here in Luceti than I have ever had in my entire life.
A rather curious phenomenon.

[Spock seems to almost smirk....but he sobers quickly.]

[Ami is too keenly aware of people leaving to always clearly see who she has here. But she tries, right now, to say the right thing.]

I think in a way, that would be something nice about Luceti, wouldn't it?

Indeed... However I am continuously reminded why the Vulcan race has opted to control emotion instead of choosing to experience it regularly.
To care for someone inevitably means to experience pain.

[Well, that wasn't the entire reason, but he didn't want to get into Vulcan history at this time. No need for Ami to know that Vulcans have stronger feelings than humans... and that on a basic level those emotions were raw and dangerous.]

[...

It's too much like her own thoughts, and Ami's smile tightens momentarily, almost fleeting enough to be unnoticed.

She knows the right answer, but she also knows there's only one way to say it that she can say truthfully.]

Even so... I want to be with them.

Indeed... and in the end, that is all we can do... be there for each other until we are hurt once more.

[Spock considers his words...]

My apologies, I do not mean to be skeptical or come across as melancholy.

[No, he's not doing anything more than putting many of her own thoughts and views into words. She can't reprimand him for that, and in a way, it's a very real relief to hear someone else feels that way, too, that she isn't alone in that.]

I've been here for a few years, so... [She pauses for the best way to put it.] I've seen that happen a lot of times.

Pain, I have always found, is relative depending on how far you can remove yourself from the situation.
[Spock blinked in consideration...]

As a Vulcan, the fact that I can no longer emotionally remove myself from certain individuals is...

...appalling. Then again, it has been suggested to me that I not measure myself only in Vulcan terms.
Ami... how do you do it?
[Spock wants to know how to deal with the emotions that follow a loss.]

[Oh, Spock. She's the worst one to learn from, with the worst coping mechanisms. She uses denial, and a generous helping of pessimism.

Of course, she wants to say something more helpful than that.]

I don't like it when someone leaves. And even if I tell myself it's better for them, I want them to be with me.

But, the only way for it never to happen at all, is never to meet them. And I wouldn't want that, either.

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