spohkh | Personal Log #2/Action Post - A Week After Amnesia Event

Personal Log #2/Action Post - A Week After Amnesia Event

[Spock is sitting on his bed and he stares at the journal which is currently residing on the desk across from him.

Spock had woken up this morning and knew he was alone in the house....his Captain was gone. And he knew that he had been taken... and Spock could feel that Captain Kirk was in pain...wherever he was.
Spock wondered at the futility of putting out a community-wide announcement to see if anyone had further information on Kirk's whereabouts. Spock was also rather disinclined to leave his house considering the damage he had inflicted during the bout of amnesia... he had not left the house in approximately 3.6 days. What if he had met someone he had 'assaulted'?
Spock puts his head down at that thought...he can recall his father's lectures on privacy and using telepathy on psy-null beings...these offenses were a severe violation and punishable in Vulcan society. If his home-planet still existed he would be outcast! The crimes he committed! It only proved that as a Vulcan, he was.... a poor example.

Spock abruptly gets up and starts to pace through the room. His meditation lately has left much to be desired, though it did resolve a rather significant issue. The link that he had forc...established with Mister Lupin was familial in nature and fairly easy to control. Lupin would not have to be burdened with this as long as Spock was able to keep his shields in place.
But the meditation itself? The effects from the physical contact had left Spock at mental loose ends. The memories and emotional transference...well, it left him emotionally compromised, and the nature of the contact made it rather difficult to resolve.

Spock's pacing slowed as he considered the other encounters he had...he was a disgrace... the things that happened, the beings he took advantage of... and he will never be able to look at the couch the same again.

He put his head in his hands and sat back down on the bed...there had to be a logical resolution to this...perhaps he needed, as they say, a 'change in scenery'. He looks up and glares a little at the journal. His frustration levels begin to rise once more.
.....everything....everything about Spock has been 'unraveling' since landing in Luceti. He has not felt this exposed since he was emotionally compromised on the Enterprise...and he was ashamed then too. Spock abruptly stands once more and stalks towards the desk. In a fit of anger he slams both fists down on either side of the journal... unknowingly turning it on. The wood splinters cut into his hands, but he does not feel it. The frustration has built into a blinding rage and he manages to shout in Vulcan...]

Nam-tor nash-veh sasu t’ek’kayik sut!

[Then he picks up the bed-side bureau and throws it out the window making a fantastic display of shattered glass and the deafening silence that follows the explosion of sound....

Spock stands amid the mess and just breaths...]

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...Thank you. I will await your arrival...

[Spock distractedly collects a broom and starts to clean up the mess regardless of the condition of his hands....]

[Moments later Luke knocks on Spock's door and calls out]

Spock?

[The door opens and Spock is there, gesturing for Mister Skywalker to enter....]

[Luke steps in and gives the Vulcan a worried glance]

Mister Spock, is that...blood?

[Spock raises an eyebrow and regards his hands as if noticing them for the first time....]

...yes. It appears that I have injured myself....

Let me help.

[Luke moves closer and reaches out a hand to lightly touch Spock's arm, the soft blue light of Nala the Filial spirit of healing flooding their senses]

What happened? What's got you so upset?

[That...is an odd sensation. He stared as his hands seemed to heal themselves...
It must be the result of that blue light.

Spock turns to address Mister Skywalker.]

.....I am a disgrace to the Vulcan way of life... I have violated the minds of several psy-null beings, causing permanent harm in some cases. My compromised state has left me volatile an unpredictable, I am no longer safe to be around.

...I should leave this place.

[Luke's eyes shift to meet Spock's, a worried look following. What had happened?]

It was a result of the shift, wasn't it? You didn't have your memories did you?

[It always was]

Spock, tell me what happened.

[Spock tenses... did he trust Skywalker?

Yes, he did. But did he have it in him to explain everything that has happened?

Well... Spock's shoulders relax in a sign of defeat and gestures them towards the kitchen.]

As they say, this might be 'a long story'... perhaps some tea would be beneficial?

Yes, I'll make some. You sit and rest your hand. I healed it but if you use it too much for a little bit, it'll come undone.

[Luke heads into the kitchen and puts on water. Not taking no for an answer]

[Spock looks confused at first, but complies with Mister Skywalker's suggestion....He takes a seat at the kitchen table.]

My thanks.

As to the events leading to this point.... It would seem that I have lost emotional control. The lack of memories made it so that my mental barriers were non-existent. Everyone I had physical contact with has made an impact... some more grave than others...

[Luke listens patiently, nodding over his shoulder]

You lost your memories, and didn't know you could psychically link with other individuals. Is that right?

I...yes. That is correct. [Spock's hands fidget on the table...]

And though I realize it is illogical to place blame on myself due to the circumstances... I cannot help but feel tremendous responsibility to the consequences of my actions.

....and in the interim I have been stripped of everything that means to be Vulcan....

I don't really know what it means to be a Vulcan, but if there's some manner of psychic trauma afflicted on individuals, or yourself, I can assuredly help with that.

[The tea kettle whistles, so Luke takes a minute to pour two cups of hot, black tea]

[Spock quirks and eyebrow at that... Curious.]

I do not mean to sound skeptical, but what manner of help to you expect to provide?

The Force can allow me to help alleviate psychic pressure on the mind. It lets me open or close pathways caused by outside influences, and all it really takes is a night's rest, and a few days or weeks of such therapy.

[He doesn't say that it doesn't always work, but it definitely makes it hurt less]

[Spock takes his tea with a nod of thanks and eyes the Jedi...]

...there may have to be some alterations due to my Vulcan heritage... though it was always apart of our society to strengthen bonds and mental activity by meditating as a community.

I am....amenable to your suggestion.

[Spock is quiet for a moment, then takes a drink of tea....]

Perhaps. I'll know when I try, but it works the same on all sapient species in my galaxy.

Can you describe the symptoms of your trouble? What is making you lash out, and what sorts of impressions are in your mind?

[Spock does not know how much he wants to share with the Jedi... His Captain's pain coupled with his absent barriers have made his realize the extent of the damage caused by Vulcan's destruction... and his father was not here to help him this time.
It also brings up the issue that his 'problems' may be more psychological than he care to admit....everything was leaving him....no matter how hard he tried.]

I am unsure how to explain...though if you are sure you can protect yourself from my mental state, perhaps I can show you?

[Spock did not know how wise this suggestion was, considering all that has happened to his mind since the latest 'Shift'...however...there was something about these Jedi that implied something similar to Vulcan...]

I can protect myself, yes.

[Luke takes a drink from his teacup and takes a seat near Spock]

Please do.

[Spock takes a deep breath and finally nods...]

Please inform me if you need to stop...

[Spock lifts his hand to Luke's face and places his fingers in the appropriate psy points.]

My mind to your mind....

My thoughts to your thoughts....

[Spock plunges them both into the plains of Spock's mind...and Luke finds himself in a desert covered in pieces of glass and broken mirrors.]

[Luke closes his eyes and looks around him with the Force, creating a barrier to prevent Spock from prying too deeply into his mind before doing anything else. It was better that way, to prevent further damage, not that he didn't trust the Vulcan.]

Broken mirrors? Do these symbolize damaged relationships, or mental pathways?

Or something else entirely?

[Some of the larger broken mirrors start to project moving images... though before Luke can investigate Spock materializes beside him clad in his usual Science-blues.]

Greetings... welcome to my mind. You are probably wondering what these represent...
My teachers showed me how to compartmentalize my thoughts and memories using visuals. My mother was overly fond of a mirror that she had brought from her home and I was rather fascinated with it... so I borrowed that image.
These broken mirrors are broken threads... [Spock looks around at the vast expanse...]
As you can see, there are rather a lot of them. To some degree the entire Vulcan race shared a link with one another, and when my home planet was destroyed and most of the population with it... the survivors are left with this to deal with. And with the recent 'Shift' my barriers have been completely shattered.
It would seem to have been a mistake on my part to have assumed that I could contain mental shields properly after Vulcan's destruction.

Ah, I suppose that makes sense. A racial link is common to psychic species within my home as well.

[Luke looks around, his eyes scanning the rather...large...expanse of shattered mirrors. His heart went out to Spock, much like it had when he'd learned of the destruction of Alderaan all those years ago. Spock bore a heavy burden, like Leia, being one of the last remaining of his world.

Of course he'd have difficulty. But Luke would do his best to help]

Where do you think your shields have come unraveled? And where are they failing? I may be able to help bridge some of the mental pathways to help you hold it all in.

Unfortunately it is not a matter of 'unraveled'... for then the issue would not be as severe. These shields...and these bonds have been severed. It has caused mental trauma that would usually either require a mind healer or... [Spock goes quiet for a moment...] The importance of the mind is immense in Vulcan culture... to a Vulcan where this has happened, it is not rare to merely make that Vulcan comfortable and wait for his death.

[Spock starts to walk gesturing for Luke to follow...] The source, or rather, my Katra... the very center of my being now finds itself unsupported and unstable. Here... [Spock stops next to what appears to be a garden... it is pretty pathetic. There are a couple of flowers, and actually one rather attractive budding rose bush near one end of the...garden.
The rest is desolate.....]

Again, I have used visuals to create focus points for easier navigation and maintenance... and my mother loved her garden, and I was always fascinated by it. [Spock lowers himself and run his fingers through the dirt....] As you can see, the garden is not doing well.... I am curious as to what you can do, because the very ground is effected...

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